They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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