Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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