I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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