the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I have already put on my inside pants.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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