My boss' voice literally gives me gas
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
