So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
there was a trapeze. enough said
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
The uberlube is also flammable
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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