He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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