i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
