Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Vodka?
Forever.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
