Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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