Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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