We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
