I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
