its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Randomize