Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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