How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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