I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
