I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
