I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize
