Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
