he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
