Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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