I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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