I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
