someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
