my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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