how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
