Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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