Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
