i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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