I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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