Plan B is the new Plan A
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
