well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
