Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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