my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
