That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
