dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I wish I could punch you in the face.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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