I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
