last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
