quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
