You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
