from now on my penis is your penis
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
