Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
40s are totally the cure
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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