I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
