he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
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I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
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Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
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