Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
