he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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