He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
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The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
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you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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