how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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