Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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