Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
