The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
