matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
