Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
