why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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