If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
