I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
this is an emotional support booty call
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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